No Heartbeat

August 1, 2019

I remember that day vividly. 

Evan was off to help with his sister’s wedding. With twins, I was already having appointments and ultrasounds weekly so decided there was no reason for Evan to come to the ultrasound. I went alone thinking it’d be the same as always.

Within the first 2 minutes, I thought something was off. I recall the ultrasound probe going back and forth all around my tummy – and it felt different than usual. 

“They have said how twins can be hard to scan because they are so squished in there,” I thought to myself. I also just thought it was the tech. Maybe she was new. 

Nearing the end of the ultrasound, the tech, who normally would turn the screen to me and show me the babies, said, “I’ll be back, I have to go talk to the radiologist.” That moment I knew. I knew something was wrong. 

I felt movement so I first thought maybe she saw an abnormality. What felt like 2 hours, actually like 20 minutes of me sitting in the room by myself, she came back in and said that she can’t show me today but told me that I needed to call my doctor. 

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first time this had happened. We lost our first pregnancy in 2016, so I was 99% sure about what was going on. 

I calmly said “okay”, got dressed, went to the washroom (full bladder) and walked to my car alone. 

I got in, called my doctor and the receptionist answered. I asked for the doctor and the lady told me that she was in surgery right now. 

That’s when it flooded out. I broke down in tears and told her everything. 

The receptionist was the sweetest, told me she’d find out everything she could and call me back. After that, I paged the midwives, knowing it’d be a couple minutes before I’d get a call back. Then I phoned Evan, and asked him to step away from others. 

“I don’t know exactly, but something’s wrong,” I told him. He told me he’d come get me, but I just told him I was coming home, not to tell anyone, and that I’d text him soon.

The midwife called me back and gosh poor lady, it was a locum midwife on call! So she’d never met me, it was her first day on call, and she had to tell me I lost my baby. I told her what was happening, and she told me she just received the report. She calmly said,

“I’m sorry. Baby B has passed away.” 

Amongst our conversations and tears, I remember her simply saying “ughh, this sucks.” And in all its simplicity, it was honestly just so nice to hear. A real response – no sugar coating. Ya, this f’ing sucks.  

I appreciated her in that moment. 

She told me that I’d likely need to go to the hospital, and instructed me to go home, meet my husband, pack a hospital bag just in case, and head over.

On my way home, I chatted between the midwife and receptionist. They didn’t know exactly what would happen until I got checked out but they mentioned I may have to deliver soon. I was horrified. 

1) Baby A would only be 28 weeks so that’s scary as is and 

2) It was two days before Evan’s sister’s wedding. 

No. Absolutely not. This can’t be happening. Not today. 

I called my friend Jessica on the way home and told her. I was distraught.

When I drove into the driveway, Evan walked out and I collapsed in his arms saying 

“We lost our boy.” 

I was already late picking up my bridesmaid dress so Evan rushed to get it while I packed my hospital bag. We called Evan’s brother to pick our son up from daycare and we headed to the hospital. At this point, we hadn’t told anyone else. 

At the hospital we found out, in light of the terrible news, that because the babies were on different blood supplies, we didn’t have to deliver now. We still weren’t sure when I’d have to deliver, but it wasn’t now. 

When we got home on Thursday, we decided to keep the news to ourselves until after the wedding. Of course we didn’t want to take away attention from the big day but also, honestly a couple days to digest the news on our own was what we needed. 

Some people ask if it was hard to get through a big event on the weekend. Honestly, not at all. I was truly happy to celebrate a beautiful day. It was happy and it felt great to be there.

We told our family and close friends on the Monday. The support we received was incredible. Thank you to the midwives, my OB and all the healthcare workers for taking care of us and being so kind.

About a week later, we found out we could carry on with the pregnancy, hopefully carrying close to full term. 

I do wonder what he would have looked like. Kennedy has so many similarities to William that I imagine Oakley would have been the spitting image of William. Or I wonder if he would have looked completely different. I wonder what his laugh would have sounded like and what the life of three under three would have been. 

I wonder if Kennedy will ever tell us more about Oakley. I wonder how the kids will react when we talk about him.

I went seven months thinking we’d have three kids on earth. I went seven months knowing this would complete our family. Now I don’t know. I just don’t know what it means. 

Oakley – born still Oct 14, 2019 at 12:31 pm.  I will carry you forever in my heart. 

He will be born still, but he will be born. 

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